John Doherty Would be an Excellent Tenant For Your Apartment Complex

To whom it may concern,

John Doherty will be the closest possible thing to a perfect tenant for your apartment. With flowing long hair similar to Fabio, sometimes kept in a ponytail, John rarely goes a day without being asked if he is Jesus or told to get a job (which he already has!).

I can assure you with some level of certainty that he will not intentionally destroy the unit, set the building on fire, or steal the  doorknobs when he moves out.

Door Knob

these are safe with John Doherty as a renter

When polled in the 2008 election, 99.8% of voters were not sure who John Doherty was or why they were being asked if he could stay in their basement, but over 53% said they would be willing to at least consider him as a tenant if he promised to pay rent on time and not steal their Honey Bunches of Oats. By allowing him to rent your apartment, you would be forever remembered in history as being an integral part of getting Barack Obama elected into office.

Most people can look at a picture of John Doherty and say without much hesitation that he does not look like someone who would just randomly throw a cat out of a window.

Mittins

will likely survive an encounter with John Doherty

Let this information put other tenants in your building at ease, as if little Mittens wanders into John’s future residence, the odds are looking pretty good that she’ll survive the encounter.

John has at least one friend in every social, religious, ethnic and economic group. To call him a man of diversity is an understatement. He has used less than 10 ethnic slurs in his entire life. John gave up his admission into Princeton to an underprivileged Eskimo, who plans to one day be the first of his family to not be stereotyped as living near the North Pole.

If John clogs a public bathroom toilet with a particularly large bowel movement, he will notify the appropriate manager or custodial worker of the situation. The same goes if there is a need to replenish the paper towels or toilet paper. He has never used a permanent marker to write his phone number on a bathroom stall for a good time.

John Doherty has over 3100 followers on Twitter, a domain authority of 41 on his blog and can occasionally flash V5s at Brooklyn Boulders. And gosh darn it, he will pay his rent on time.

Sincerely,

The Smartest Man In The World

 

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